The Never-ending Memoir and Quest for Publication
In which I gauge what I see every time I open my memoir.
“… The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where, who knows where
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.”
— The Hollies, 1969.
My brother the hippie introduced me to the song, “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.” And yet, through the years, it’s my brother who has proved the heaviest weight to bear in my life.
His suicide, his long illness, 13 years fighting major depressive disorder, in and out of institutions, while I was displaced from him and my family off pursuing my life in graduate school chasing a professorship and a stable relationship, all of it haunting me because, despite the 10 years separating us, we were so alike. I felt like his fate was coming for me, genetically predisposed to an internal crack-up that I didn’t deserve.
I started my memoir by writing about my brother. Because of our similarities, it struck me that I was writing a memoir about a year into the project. Refreshing my memory of T.S. Eliot’s The Waste Land brought the entire project into sharper focus and gave it form, a skeletal structure upon which to hang my story. The skeleton and flesh fit each other like hand and glove. I must be acquitted.
I started writing on October 31, 2018. I finished writing on Dec. 4, 2021, on January 15, 2022, on May 4, 2022. Three times I finished, at 174,000 words, at 203,000 words, at 168,000 words, at 104,000 words (98,000 for story, 6,000 for notes section).
And here I am, 7 months after finishing, and I will cut another 20,000 words very soon.
I keep this substack as a way to build audience for this project. I write about writing, memoir, mental illness (major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, dysfunctional relationships and family dynamics, sailing, alternative lifestyles - kink and polyamory. I write about writing the memoir, studying the memoir form, thinking breathing living memoir for so long. The book is written for an audience interested in literature. Thus, I’m seeking traditional publication for my memoir.
The querying process has been the most daunting of all as it’s a new thing to me. With the help of professionals from writing conferences and found through professional editors and colleagues on the internet, I’ve gone through several iterations of my query letter. Only now, 7 months after attending the Atlanta Writers Conference am I finally getting to the query letter that makes the most sense for my project.
I look back at earlier drafts and think, “That is not it at all. That is not what I meant, at all.” No, I’m not Hamlet, nor Prufrock, nor an attendant lord!
No, I’m a writer, and I’ve a story to tell. The story is filled with sound and fury signifying everything, not told by an idiot at all. And yet, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow seems will be the best place for this work to exist, always tomorrow, until that agent comes along and says, “Yes, yes… we can work with this, yes.”
2023 will start my freelance life as a writer and developmental editor. I will continue to write. I will continue to learn guitar. I will continue to try finding a home for this memoir while working on my next projects. In Seattle, I have joined Hugo House, a place for writers, jumping in as a volunteer and attending workshops and classes. And I will teach a memoir class, and may return to teaching.
Thank you for supporting this newsletter, whether as a free or paid subscriber. Your support means so much to me and helps me on my quest to get My Own Private Waste Land traditionally published. A paid subscription is about the cost of a cup of coffee per month or a nice Chai Tea Latte. A free subscription gets you free life-nourishing water. Whichever drink you prefer, thank you for reading.
I will continue writing twice a week - Mondays and Fridays. Stay warm during this holiday season.
As for me, I’ll . . .
Just keep writing!
All the love - Lee
I am developing a memoir course. If you are interested in joining in, please leave a comment with your name and send an email so I can keep in touch as it rolls out after the first of the year. You can reach me at lee_hornbrook@yahoo.com Thank you!
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